An Open Letter To My Best Friend (Circa 1984-1985)

This also appears on my own blog BetterOffRead (bookmark it or suffer the consequences)

The following really and truly happened. Seriously.


Dear Bestest Friend from 1984 or 1985 (or whatever year that was when we were best friends), Hey, I haven't seen you in years. It's been a long time, I don't even know what name you're going by today since you've Americanized yourself. Back then we were a couple of kids running loose around the block. There's something that I need to tell you. For that matter it's something I probably should've told you when it happened, but I was young, I didn't know any better. Heck, I probably still don't know any better, but I'm just going to go ahead and spit it out anyway. There was a day that I was at your house, I wandered around looking for you. You weren't in the living room or the kitchen. You weren't in your bedroom. I then walked down the hallway, mayhaps you were in your parents room? The door was open I figured I'd just look in and see if you were in there, what I saw was definitely unexpected to say the least. Apparently your mom was changing or had just come out of the shower. She had no top on. She was topless. She was wearing no shirt. She was letting it all hang loose. She was throwing caution to the wind. She was a girl gone wild. Look, what I'm trying to say is that I saw your mom's boobs. There I said it. Now, I'm telling you that I'm sorry. Whew. I feel so much better. A heavy weight lifted. By the way I saw your grandma, too. But I think you already knew that one, she always hung out in the backyard letting them babies air out or sunning them or whatever the hell she did when she was back there. *blech* Anyway, sorry about that, I'd apologize to your face, but you moved away long ago. I haven't seen hide nor hair of you in the past two decades, though, I did see your older sister in high school. I heard she really busted out, I almost regret not seeing her the time I walked into her room. So, yeah. I hope you accept my apology, I didn't mean to see your mom topless. She should've closed the door, though. Yup.

Sincerely, Red

The Internet's Guide to Real World Sizing

This originally came from a discussion about the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and blossomed out from there. If you want to read about that (as this is also repeated on my own blog Better Off Read, just click here to find that post and the Guide to Real World Sizing as well), to be honest, I've never had a King Size Peanut Butter Cup, but everybody knows that the chocolate to peanut butter ratio is all thrown off due to it's enlarged size. Stick with the classics.


Teeny - The smallest size anything can possibly be without the assistance of a microscope.

Tiny - A step larger than teeny, but still pretty small. Generally reserved for describing appetites, bra sizes (or rather what's inside the bras), babies and male body parts according to ex-girlfriends.

Miniature - This one is usually used for small breeds of dogs or toddlers who look exactly like their parents. Also, used for describing peanut butter cups.

Petite - One step larger than miniature, this is usually what big chicks use to describe their average sized friends. It's also used for describing certain vegetables.

Small - Generally used by larger people, smal is a relative term, but in most scenarios it just means that you're smaller than the fat guy next to you. Usually reserved for fast food; as in an order of french fries; Diet Pepsi; pizza; bucket of chicken; etc.

Average - Usually reserved for dating advertisements to describe build, height, weight, looks, etc. If you need to resort to calling yourself average, you may as well come out and say you look like someone's hairy ass minus the assy smell, but with more pimples.

Big - This is a step above average. If you're big, it means you've got some weight to lose or you're a linebacker in the NFL, but since the chances of you being a pro ball player are slim to none, you just need to lose a few lb's. Generally used when discussing your girlfriends friend, the one that keeps bending over in front of you giving you the show you'd rather be getting from the Petite (see above) friend instead.

Large - Again, a relative term. Usually used to described appetites, someone named Marge, any food items from Carls' Jr., the pizza you generally order with everything on it or your old Algebra teacher back in high school. Also, used to describe, though, very vaguely, bra size and the size of a guys package until he becomes the ex-boyfriend at which point out of spite, he becomes tiny (see above). Also, used to describe the size of my arms.

King Size - Used to describe something you might find at Burger King or the size of a Snickers bar, but incorrectly used in the case of the Peanut Butter Cup. Also, used to describe the size of an actual King.

Massive -This is a tough one, but you'll know it when you see it. Massive refers to something that is larger than large, but not quite Ginormous (see below). You'd usually call someone or something massive if requires a forklift/or a barge to be maneuvered from one place to the next. In general, you wouldn't be able to wrap your arms around something that is massive. However, the folowing two cases can be exceptions. When used to refer to the size of my biceps, or a toddlers head when it's obviously too big for his or her body.

Ginormous - Bigger than big. In general this is held off from being used unless it's to describe something, um, really big? Like a whale swallowed by an elephant? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Gargantuan - Somewhere in between ginormous and planetoid (see below). I've got nothing, I'm running out of material fast. Quick someone help me out!

Planetoid - This one is obvious, something is planetoid when it can block out the sun. This is usually held off unless describing someone's ego. Usually mine. But planetoid can also be used to describe an actual planet, who knew?


If I missed anything feel free to let me know.

Things about Redoing

Content on DDM not quite up to par?

Don't think it's good enough for a bookmark?

Well don't think you're the first one. My best friend doesn't have the real estate in his toolbar for "DDM" So now, every post will be edited by one of these people that don't think it's good enough. One of those who tell me that having strawberry shortcake as the main picture on the site isn't a good idea.

So, while the posts are processed through them, they will take longer. Sorry, but 'dems the brakes.

Things about the Layout

As you can see, don't doodle me is going through a slight change. The header section is being revamped, so the current picture is temporary. I find myself slightly giddy to think that Mascott will be on the front page. Glee.

Things about Super Smash Bros and the Stories it Brings.

Yeah yeah yeah, I already talked about Smash Bros, but after a week of playing it, i've decided to come up with a full and proper post about the experience of the launch.

Getting it out of the way, Smash Bros is, obviously, Nintendo's Baby. It not only has Mario, it has Link, Yoshi, Kirby, and those other characters I couldn't care less about. So, obviously, they wanted to make it better. Let's put it in terms I can understand.

Super Smash Bros, the original on the N64, was like strawberries. They're delicious, they're sweet, and they can be made into some dandy mascots. Now, Smash Bros. Melee, released a few years later, was when Nintendo took those strawberries, and dipped them in chocolate. Deliciously moistened by the chocolatey goodness, the strawberries were great.

Now, somewhere in between Melee and Brawl, Nintendo grew up a little. They went through puberty when they decided to call their console the "Wii" and so for their new Super Smash Bros, they thought, "why are we making chocolate covered strawberries" and they just dipped a high priced call-girl in chocolate instead. This of course, appealed to me, and some other high ranking members of society.

(See what I did there referencing what's going on in the news? That's what being dynamic is.)

Now, to the other bit. The night of the launch of Smash Bros, there was a huge wind or thunder or something kind of storm here in Jersey. This caused a tree, an oak tree, a 10000000000 YEAR OLD MASSIVE OAK TREE TO FALL DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE ROAD. This was some serious shit. I'm not lying when I say that if I had left 30 seconds earlier, I'd have been at the launch right away. But no. In front of my friend Mike's house that million year old tree fell. I went home, and waited. Eventually, I got to the Gamestop, and now I go into another story.

There is one post on don't doodle me that has gotten more hits then half of the other ones put together. One post that has gotten me more real world sympathy, hatred, love, pity, more pity and more and more pity. This post has been hailed by other bloggers as blogging refined with stand up comedy. (And yet still, for some reason, has zero comments.) The Homecoming post. "Things about Homecoming" is really the standard I try to appeal to when writing for DDM. Comedy with drama thrown in for effect, sprinkled with silence as a punchline. It's a bit unsettling, for me, to know that one of the most disappointing moments for me ever is the one moment everyone loves to death. It's not particularly surprising, as, reminiscing upon the events detailed in everyone's favorite part of the Homeoming post, I was thinking the whole time "cute girls don't ask me to dance, something's fishy." Then I thought of Karma. Maybe I was being rewarded for being a good person? (I watch My Name Is Earl a lot.) Of course not. But it did end up being the basis for everyone's favorite post. So here, I create a new one.

In reference to the previous post, this event happened at exactly or around 7:30. Earlier in the night, coming home after the first time of being cut off by a tree (It wasn't just once, it was 3. With my manly strength and superhuman ability to jump out of the way of a car coming in the opposite lane after staring like a deer in headlights, I was able to move two other large branches that had fallen in the way. Because I wasn't going to wait any longer.) I had called Lee to my my disgust with the tree audible to someone. He knew my plans for the night, and thought it was very ironic. I threw around the idea of Karma, asking him if I had done anything paricularly evil that week. He couldn't think of a thing, so I dismissed him with the promise of "updates throughout the evening". When I got there, as I said, it was 7:30, and I gave him a call. When he answers, I don't normally say "Hey, it's me, scott." I just launch into whatever i'm going to say and get a little rant over with. Posts here would be up every time I called him, they're so much like what's on this site. I start "So, I made it to the place, finally, and blah blah blah." I go on for about a minute before I ask Lee a question relating to something or other. An opinion. He doesn't answer.

After an excruciatingly long 10 seconds I hear "Scott...." these words sound almost pained.

"What? Something wrong?" I ask my friend, not exactly concerned, but more thinking, is waiting for Brawl going to suck thinking my friend just broke up with his going on long time girlfriend? (Look, I was very goal oriented that night. He could have been dead and i'd have waited for Brawl)

"Don't call me again." He replied. I could tell there was extreme anger held back behind the statement.

"Wait-What?" I ask, confused.

He hung up, and I wondered what had happened. I dismissed it though after buying twizzlers and a pepsi.

So, this Friday, I brought up the call again. I was over his house and we were watching Hitman. (It's worth every penny for 8 seconds in the beginning of the film-The baby-faced 47 jumps through a window, interrupting two stoner kids playing Hitman:Blood Money.)

"So, whatever happened with that phone call?" I ask, politely bringing up what could be a delicate subject.

"Huh?" Lee replied, a bit confused.

"You know, when I was at the Smash Bros Launch last week, and I called you at like 7 or 8, I told you that I was finally there and you told me to not call you."

"Ohhh....that...errr..." He hesitated to talk.

"What could it possibly be?"

Oh, what could it possibly be? I should have guessed what it could possibly have been. He then told me a story of ups and downs that occurred throughout the night. He went over his girlfriend's house, yes, but that doesn't mean he spent any quality time with her. First it was her siblings, then her best friend. And when things were starting to look up for my buddy Lee, I gave him a ring up. From his side, it must have seemed like sabotage. I can only imagine the unkind things his girlfriend said regarding me.

But, as readers of this blog know, and as I know all too well, I am the King of Bad Timing and the Duke of Rotten Luck. Also the Earl of Sandwich.

Things about Red's Post:True Story

This is a post Redeema made a couple months ago for his site, Better off Read.
This is one of his many stories he has as a "journalist" and personally, one of my favorites. He is allowing me to put it here as content while I work to restore my computer to a nice, working order.
------
So, a few years ago I found myself in the Los Angeles Convention Center covering my first major press event for the site I write for: www.DreamStation.cc (end shameless plug) and I came across former, well I guess he would've been a "B-list celebrity", but not no more. Anyway, there I was minding my own business walking through the throngs of people, when a small moving crowd starts coming my way. Who is at the center of said crowd? Wait for it...

Actor/Comedian: Sinbad (not the pirate by the way, and definitely not Richard Grieco, former star of 21 Jumpstreet, who played Sinbad in a craptastic reinvention of the old movies with the stop motion photography) there were some hangers on and the like. It was the first celebrity that I spotted that day aside from don't call me "MacGyver", Richard Dean Anderson. (I'll have to dig up the picture I took of him for you one day), but that was part of the show, the guy was propped up on stage, Sinbad (who's not dead contrary to internet rumors) was walking the show floor. Anyway, as he walked by me, I said to myself, "Hey it's Sinbad!" You would've said the same thing, if you saw someone who had formerly starred with Lisa Bonet and your former TV crush Jasmine Guy (I know, I was young, I didn't know better). I immediately snapped a picture as he walked by me, only I was on the move, too and the photo came out all blurry. Needless to say I tried again, but no luck once again. I thought for a minute about going after him and waiting him to stop for a quick picture, but decided against it. Then I looked at the pictures to see how bad they came out, they had that motion blur thing that happens when things are moving. Anyway, I thought about keeping them for a minute and showing everyone that I had seen Sinbad and then I said, "Fuck it, it's just Sinbad."

Seriously. True Story.

Maybe another time I'll tell you about the time Steven Spielberg's bodyguard gave me the old Heisman/you shall not pass/stay the fuck back, no pictures of the "Great Spielberg" hand up in my grill. That's also a true story, maybe I'll tell you about it, maybe I won't depends on how I feel. That's enough name dropping for today, though.

Things about Super Smash Bros. -THE LAUNCH-

So, if you hadn't noticed, Gamestop and EB Games had a tournament going for the relase of Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I went to the launch at my local Gamestop #911. (Ironically, the same Gamestop that once employed the same Anthony from the original Don't Judge Me series.) I took notes the whole time for a couple of sites, I can't really mention them here other then Dreamstation.cc. One of them fronted the bill for my copy, those generous people, and I was able to take notes the whole night, as I said before. Please forgive me, as it is 12:33 and I have just spent the last 7 hours in a Gamestop that might as well have been 300 square feet while wrestling with a cold.

7:28-I arrive. The Gamestop is empty except for employees and a few people browsing games. I seem to be the only one there for Brawl, until two challengers arrive. They ask about signups, as I just did, and I can tell they will be fierce competition. (Note with great hindsight(NWGH):Not really. They didn't show up in time for the tournament.)

7:30-7:50-I abandon Gamestop for a Pepsi and Twizzlers at the 24 Hour Shop-Rite. I then walk to Burger King. The lights have been on and off, and never was this more evident than when half the lights went out on the way to Burger King and an air raid siren went off. (NWGH-I guess it was an air raid siren at one point. Now it was just annoying) Immediately after the first wail of the siren, the wind changed direction completely. My first thought? "Oh shit, the aliens are here." I booked it to Burger King where I got fries. I ate them on the now quiet walk back to Gamestop.

7:50-8:35-I played Guitar Hero 3 on the demo station with a guy who at one point got a 500 note streak on Even Flow on Medium. Then failed out of the demo on Hard.

8:38-Signups for the tournament start. I can't sign up without parental permission. I guess i'll sit it out. I also place a pre-order for the game-the one that comes out in 3 hours. (NWGH-Procrasination FTW)

8:50-I now realize, not signed up, I am going to be bored out my mind for the next 3 hours.

8:55-The Ulimatum of "Buy stuff now or never" is given by Brian.
8:58-I buy stuff. Sucker. (NWGH-Why did I buy Mercenaries again? I can't for the life of me remember.)

9:08-Brawl is booted up. Angels sing. A crowd gathers like the Playstation 6 has just been started.

9:09-To the left of the Wii, two young boys play GRAW2 on the PS3, and I am the only one who notices. I find this hysterical.

9:11-People enter their names. CODY, RICH, JOE, and AARON.

9:12-Oh, they're entering everyone's name. Screw that, i'm not writing that.

9:13-With the length of time this is taking, it's obvious to me that they should have started EARLIER.

9:13-Name Entry continues. I have just opened the unopened bag of twizzlers, I am weak. (NWGH-It's a big bag. I still have half left.)

9:22-Character Selection has begun, I think.

9:26-Tournament starts. Fox vs Fox.

9:28-Someone screwed up. because the players are all CPU. The lady says that if we complain we will get a sandwich. She either said Knuckle Sandwich or Pumperknickle.

9:37-First REAL match-Samus vs Fox.

9:38-Samus Wins.

9:38-2nd Match, Pit vs Kirby.

9:39-Pit wins by one kill.

9:41-Mario vs Fox

9:42-Mario Wins. It's totally wesome.

9:43-A mario gets the first final smash of the night. It's awesome and results in a win.

9:44-Pokemon Trainer vs Meta Knight on Pictochat.

10:00-It's 10. Yay. I'm not going to continue writing down all the matchups.

10:03-Round 2 starts-

10:04-SHADOW MOSES!!!!

10:05-Oh shitz. Metal Gear RAY!
10:07-Round 3 Starts.

10:15-Semifinals Start.

10:18-Champion is crowned-Our champion is Joe. The little naked wrestling man goes to-JOE!

10:19-2nd Tournament starts for no prizes I don't join.

10:32-Guitar Hero 3, the full version, is hooked up on the 360.

10:42-Guh....starting to get sleepy and cranky.

10:52-GAHHHHHH

11:00-Tip from Afro Kid. 2/3rds Sprite and 1/3rd HiC makes orange soda.

11:03-I talk about my 1up prizes. No one really cares. (NWGH-They shouldn't. 11:03 me was an idiot.)

11:11-Conversed with "Dave" about the stupid items in Melee. He disagrees. He looks like Lux with a week of facial hair. (Note:Lux is a guy I know. These are just the notes people.)

11:25-Brian mentions a line. I am rightfully at the front.

11:27-The store employees are all playing with their phones. And they say teenagers text too much.

11:36-Rudimentary line has formed. I am still @ the front.

11:37-Rudimentary line has disbanded. I am 14 minutes from falling asleep. (NWGH-At 1:04, I still am.)

11:47-Real line has formed. I am almost not at the front, but the people there will me back to my rightful position, and for that I thank them.

11:50-Mike tries to tempt me by putting a copy of Brawl in front of me and pulling it away. I snatch it. They are impressed by my ninja skills. I have a feeling my legs would be broken if I had not given it back.

11:52-Mike takes my reserve slip. I tell him that if he is doing anything but processing my purchase I will destroy him.

11:54-I distribute the blog's adress to the employees at their request of the play by play of the night.

11:55-I recieve a Mario Kart Wii flyer. I won't be reserving it.

11:56-I think my cellphone is broken. I think it was 11:55 10 minutes ago.

11:57-Hey I missed 11:56.

11:59-Okay what is this. It was 11:57 20 seconds ago. (NWGH-Yeah, I think my clock might actually have been off there.)

12:00-The game is in front of me. I hold it high for all to see. Being only 5'5, no one can really see. Those who can cheer.

12:02-I'm outside. It's cold. Im going back inside.


And from there, I went back inside and then outside again to leave. Not *quite* as good as the Wii launch, but it's still 2 out of 2 midnight launches i've been to.

To the readers who just happened to be there, leave a comment on your thoughts on the evening.